40 days

• Forty days Moses was with God in the mount (Exodus 24:18)
• Moses led Israel from Egypt at age 80 and after 40 years in the wilderness, died at age 120
• Goliath presented himself to Israel for 40 days
• David reigned over Israel for 40 years
• The holy place of the temple was 40 cubits long
• Elijah had one meal that gave him strength for 40 days
• God gave Ninevah 40 days to repent
• Jesus fasted for 40 days and 40 nights
• Jesus was tempted for 40 days
• Jesus remained on Earth 40 days after his resurrection
• Women are pregnant for 40 weeks (time of testing)

I Have been trying to get this blog post out for weeks, but I keep either having revelations and have to edit or am just simply crazy busy. I am not going to sit here and pretend that I am some eloquent speaker/writer who has all the answers, because I am NOT and I don't. But I CAN give you transparency, realness and hope.

I was contemplating quite a bit this last Saturday, in fact A LOT last Thursday, Friday and Saturday while sitting; waiting and exhausted in the neurosciences floor of a hospital in Minneapolis. It dawned on me that on March 17 it will be 40 days since I found out our sweet baby, Miles Timothy, had gone to be with Jesus; he had no heartbeat. I had suffered a second trimester pregnancy loss. It was also this 40th day that I found out our sweet Miles had no chromosomal  abnormalities, per genetic testing results. I cried. Hard. Earlier autopsy results showed no concrete reasons and now genetic testing also shows nothing. Heavy sigh, heavy heart....

The number 40 just stood out so much and as I started to pray, I realized the number 40 is a very significant number in the Bible! It represents times of trial and testing; prosperity and probation.

March 17- day 40 of just complete and utter ups and downs and elation and tests! Yes! Could it be that the past 40 days represents a period of testing?! Temptation from the enemy?! Why Jesus himself was tempted and tried! My Sunday school class this last Sunday, we discussed this very thing that Jesus himself was tempted for 40 days (Luke ch. 4). Jesus was full of the holy spirit (much like I ask to be every day) and was led by the spirit out into the wilderness for 40 days; being tempted by the enemy. Jesus ate nothing these 40 days and the enemy basically "dared" him to turn stones into bread, if he really was the son of God. Jesus' sword was scripture. Again, the devil tempted Jesus by offering Jesus everything upon worshipping him. Again. Jesus' sword was Gods word. 

In these 40 days I have lost a baby at 15 1/2 weeks, had very sick children, had my 8 year old daughter baptized out of her own free will on a moments notice, have been emotionally and physically drained, have gone to a biblically based conference but not before my husband got very hurt on the job the day before and then the latest ordeal trying to figure out why my husband isn't getting better and experts don't know what they are looking at. 

The past 40 days the devil's been working overtime, no? March 17 not only marked our 40th day, but it marked 6 Mondays since I sneezed on that operating table and safely delivered Miles Timothy. I learned (with my youth today) through no coincidence - God knows what he is doing - that Jesus used scripture to defeat the enemy and the enemy's temptations. Scripture is Our Sword. 

6 Mondays ago I walked into that hospital in Minneapolis, armed with so much scripture and songs in my head that my heart was overflowing! The enemy was trying to tempt me with fear  and trying to consume me with anxiety over my procedure, and I fought back with Isaiah 43:2

         When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the holes, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through the fire-you shall not be burned and the flames shall not consume.

God over-delivered in his promise and gave me the safest procedure I could have endured - that sneeze was his gift so I could safely recover and not only come back to my family, but continue my walk through the fire. 

I was also armed with 2 Corinthians 1:3 - God is using my affliction for his good. And he brings me peace.

Like Jesus in the wilderness; he's my example, and I - WE- have been walking through this wilderness for the past 40 days, using scripture to resist the  urge to blame God and turn away from Him and instead, it's brought our family not only closer together, but to God! The enemy hates that! Why just right now my hubby is at the kitchen table reading a book he picked up at our conference we went to. The devil is angry.

Sometimes I think God feels it necessary to accomplish a part of his plan in various ways. He may bring forth judgments or trials or prosperity or probation. Sometimes he leads us down paths where it could be very easy to listen to our own selfish ways and take care of 

things ourselves, use our own strengths to "feed" or satisfy what we think we need. Much like Jesus in the wilderness. The last 40 days and all that has happened has been my wilderness. I could have easily turned away from God and became angry, stopped going to church and hated life. The enemy would have loved that! Instead, I was so armed, and still am, with scripture and hope that I have remained strong and defeated the enemy.

AFTER THE TEMPTATION OF JESUS

Jesus begins his ministry. It is my turn now. I can't even believe how clear things seem or how full my heart feels right now, despite all my unfortunate circumstances. 

I still ache for baby Miles. I see little newborn clothes in blue when walking around Target and I cry. I found my diaper coupons I had cut out because I was going to start stocking up; I cried. I have dreams of my little one, and I wake up in tears. I can see his little face in my dreams, he looks just like my oldest son. I look at myself in my full length mirror behind my bedroom door and instead of a growing belly, I see a flat stomach. 

the medical issue with my husband is not over and I will add that the devil even has his hand in this as recent as a couple nights ago in my dreams, when I woke up freaking about finances while my husband is on leave. My dream the other night was one, big balance sheet. The enemy has a lot of tools at his disposal, but nothing that compares to scripture deep in your heart.

I invite you to read how my last 40 days have played out as I add entries from my two notebooks I filled up since the beginning of February. You will see transparency, and yes sin and human nature. (You will also see why my childhood nickname used to be Gabby, LOL!!) But, you will never see my faith and trust in the Lord leave. Ever. 

Like Jesus, I start my ministry. Even if I only touch ONE person, it's well worth my time and effort to pour my soul into this. I knew that someday I would be part of something huge, mission related, and monumental and this is it. This month, I launch "Miles of Hope".  

MILES OF HOPE

Resources, support, and most of all love and hope for parents who have suffered pregnancy and infant loss. Because I am sooooooo new at this I will start online offering "blog support", email support and a private Facebook group. Eventually, as I find my way, I with God's help, serve my community and surrounding areas. 1 in 4 women will suffer pregnancy and infant loss; some will know why and some will never know. You do not and should not have to do this alone.

Miles of Hope welcomes all parents that have gone through this painful experience, regardless of religious affiliation. Understand though that Miles of Hope is founded on the basis of 2 Corinthians 1:3-4:

           Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord, Jesus Christ, the father of mercies and God of all comfort. Who comforts us in our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. 

And is specifically aimed at mothers and fathers experiencing the rollercoaster that is life after pregnancy and infant loss. Through Miles of Hope I hope to offer just that -- hope. Hope that each person will be able to heal even just a little bit--heck even heal myself--and in turn comfort others who are in the trenches facing the same awful thing. 

Please feel free to email me through this blog, make comments here or email to my personal email that I'll add in another post! 

May God of all comfort bless you!

it is simple, really

i was reading some status updated today and came upon a women's, Christian fb group that I frequent. This woman wrote in a prayer request regarding some struggles she is facing surrounding her divorce. Her prayer was so personal, heartfelt and showed her commitment to God. I stopped and prayed for this woman. This woman who is seekinf comfort and love and guidance and discernment. I saw that there were 252 comments below and thought awesome!!! So much love and support for this woman. I pray she feels God's love now! But, as I clicked on the comments, my heart started to hurt. This is where I become blunt. Sisters in Christ, wake up!!! 252 comments of which over 3/4 of them where judging her, debating with each other or slamming each other. All this woman wanted was prayer. not biblical theology or counsel thrown at her. PRAYER. There was one excellent comment out of the bunch quoted as such: "The enemy wants Christians to debate over what they believe to be right. What a Christian should say more is 'what does God say and follow his commands, only.'" I am reminded of another blog post that was floating around fb the other day. It was titled "Alright-Okay" on liferearranged.com, and while completely unrelated topic, but there was one quote that stuck with me so much, that i think would work equally well here, too. "I am sorry. I am so sorry you are heartsick over this. I am so sorry you are worried. That sucks. I am here for you. I will pray for you as you go through this. I will be here for whatever you need." This woman, this child of God is hurting. Her marriage is failing. Maybe they have children? Maybe she blames herself. We do not know the circumstances surrounding the impending divorce. What we do know is, that as followers of Christ we are called to love one another. we are not called to judge, condemn, debate His Word in someone's time of need. We are called to be the church-The Church! It is no wonder people shy away from Christianity and Christians, in general! So much time is spent debating and reasoning the Word of God, instead of living it! God calls us to live the life of Jesus. There is no debate team for God....only an all school play.  So sweet lady and her family on the brink of divorce, I am so sorry! This completely and utterly stinks! :( How can we pray for you all today? 

Rocks

Have you ever noticed how rocks in a riverbed stay put?  They don't move even though there are rushing waters, sometimes raging, over them.  Sure, the pebbles might float away here and there, but for the most part the rocks stay in place. 

The storms of life are much like the flowing waters and we are the rocks stuck in the mud, and will not be moved, no matter how slow or fast the waters may flow over us. 

My family and I just endured a 90 day storm that we easily could have floated away like the pebbles and our family unit could have been easily destroyed.  But, I'd like to think that building our home on the rock of Christ kept us "stuck in the mud."  Clear as mud?  :) 

I was reading in Proverbs today and I usually do it corresponding to each day of the month and for some reason today, I felt compelled to move on from Proverbs 23 and go on to Proverbs 24:1-4 (NIV)

Do not envy the wicked,
    do not desire their company;
² for their hearts plot violence,
    and their lips talk about making trouble.
By wisdom a house is built,
    and through understanding it is established;
⁴ through knowledge its rooms are filled
    with rare and beautiful treasures.


<sup>I stumbled upon a quote today and I wish I could tell you who said it to give credit where it is due, but I cannot...but here it goes: A carpenter builds houses but parents build a home.  That really struck me.  It's true.  We can have Easters for the past seven years in seven different homes (and we have!) and yet, as long as we are establishing our home on a foundation of Christ's wisdom, for lack of better words, we are good!  I have been sitting back, amazed and in awe of how strong my family was during our time of crisis and how God used this summer to bring our famliy even closer together. In addition, thinking  back to the past seven years of back and forth and making choices that may not have been the best and being just amazed at how we have grown as a family each together and as individuals.  That is all by the grace of God.  I can only imagine how much dissention there would be if we wouldn't be working together as a family to put God at the center of our home.  That's not to say we haven't made our fair share of mistakes over the years and some of them are areas of our lives that we are just learning now, this summer, that changes need to be made in order to continue establishing our home where there is love, unity, fellowship and harmony.  These changes are ones that are so crucial when it comes to modeling to our children a strong and healthy marriage. 

I hope that between my husband and I, we can give our children the opportunity to be understood by us, that they be able to pour out their soul and share with us any griefs or troubles, a place they can be their true self and no need to pretend to be different because here there will be nothing but love and patience, understanding and grace.  Here, I pray that with the wisdom of Christ, my husband and I can continue to establish our home on a firm foundation with the understanding that our home could and will be bombarded with fierce storms.  God expects us to as parents to build a home, build it on a firm foundation (Christ!) and do so with such care and attention to detail so that no matter how fierce the storm, no matter how the waters are rushing over us like the rocks of a riverbed, our house will stand against the storm and not be destroyed. 

I feel that we have been doing a pretty good job so far and of course there is always room for improvement on a daily basis.  I agree with the sentiment that families who reflect God's covenant are families driven closer together in life's storms!  And our little family of five couldn't be more proof in the pudding, or rocks in the riverbed.  :)</sup>

Distractions

I read a quote today; "I want to turn my eyes away from the distractions of this world, and turn my heart towards my home"

My home is my first mission, my full time job and has been for 10 years, whether some agree or not. This is where I have been called to be. For a couple years I was so distracted with trying to find a job and the pressures that went along with it that I neglected what I was really supposed to be doing. It wasnt until one day, four years ago, that it dawned on me that this is where God needed me to be. I vowed to be the best stay at home momma and wife there was. And I worked hard and was truly distracted with my kids and my heart was at home and I had peace. :)

Today, I am still a stay at home momma, but I am Soooooo distracted by the world. I work at night, 20 hours a week, I homeschool (that's a good distraction), I have financial needs right now, we live in a facebook, twitter, email driven world and have the world at our fingertips. My mission today is still my home and I said to myself last night on the way home from work that I am not doing my first job very well. To read that quote this morning was way too timely for my comfort.

Distractions can be anything from second jobs, finances, facebook, worries, emotions to anxieties. They tear us away from what is needed of us. I need to be distracted by my kids, husband and full time job of being a wife, homeschooling momma and the task of raising these little people. It's time for me to turn my heart back towards my home, keep my worries in the family worry jar, be a hands free momma and be distracted by what matters most. :)

(Look for my weekly posts each Wednesday)

Mother's Day

Let me just start by saying that motherhood is not for the faint of heart. I also don't put too much emphasis on Mothers Day, because just like Valentines Day, we should be expressing our love and honoring our loved ones every day of the year; not just when Hallmark tells us to. But, I digress...

Mother's Day for me is no different than any other day of the year; and in fact it is because of Mother's Day that I am reminded "slap in the face style" that I am blessed more than I deserve. I know that I am a blessed momma; I am truly rich and blessed.

Today I observed my family, my surroundings and events that occurred and soaked up all the little blessings, even if they were raindrops. Let me give you a tour of my day.

I slept in until 8 am, when I heard my husband on the phone with his Mom, and then his step-mom. He had been awake since 6:30 and decided to tackle laundry. At 8:30, my kiddos wake up, forget what day it is, and then suddenly scramble out of my room and shut the door. Then, Bubba comes back in and says "um, I want to make you breakfast, but we have nothing". Yes-I forgot to get stuff for breakfast last night. So, I immediately think to myself why didn't my husband go get stuff! In the meantime, the older kids are tidying up they living room and trying to make a 'Happy Mother's Day' banner, and thread yarn through it so they can present it to me. But, Bubba is getting agitated with Sweet Pea because she is not lining it up correctly and they end uo arguing. Meanwhile, Lilypie wants nums and I still need to go to the store. Give her num nums and then put my grumpy shoes on, expressing my disappointment to hubby, and head to Fry's. I get to Fry's and there are a ton of men getting flowers for the women in their lives. I was like "Oh, come on!!" Half in tears yet at the same time, I hate getting flowers because you spend all that money, and they die. So I get home, cook everyone breakfast, which the kids barely ate because they were so excited to go swimming at Papa's. We rush to get ready, because we have to be at Papa's at 11:00; we get there at 11:30. The air in the van quit; it's 102* out; it stinks. We arrive and get ready to go in the pool. Emma and daddy are in; I am lotioning up Lilypie. Get Lilypie ready, she grabs her water wings and walks to the pool. Daddy is in, but, he's on the other side with his back turned. I yell "Chris, she doesn't have her water wings on!" And next thing you know, she is under the water. Bubba is screaming her name and Daddy is rushing to get to her, and as he gets close, he falls pushing her to the edge, but she is still under. he finally yanks her up and she is crying and I am shaking. :( Bubba is trying to comfort me and tell me she's okay, Mom, she's okay. I go in the house and I start to cry. I compose myself, get my suit on and head out to swim.

Lily is stuck to me the entire time; and I to her. My husband made a joke, but it didn't come out right and I cry again.

The early afternoon hours were pretty quiet; I enjoyed some company, lunch and watched my Lilypie pretend she was on a safari with binoculars; she spotted wild horses that were red, black and blue.  The kids watched a couple shows and then we went home.

On the way home, we had disappointment come our way and it really bummed my hubby. the entire time hubby was down on himself, Bubba was our little evangelist, telling his father that God will never let us down, he is there the most in our darkest hours. I looked at Bubba and said "you are wise beyond your years".  I watch our Bubba, age 9, try to carry the weight of the world on his shoulders, sometimes. He shouldn't have to. Somewhere in here, Lilypie drops the guinea pig, too. Oy!!

After some quiet time, I start some dinner and am completely blown away by my little woman in training, Em. She cleared off the table, reset it saying she needed to do it all fancy and put our bowls on out plates, and have us all cups, knives, forks and spoons. She took the baked potatoes out of the oven, put all the food on the table and plated everyone pasta salad and baked potatoes, cutting Lilypie only a half a potato. She also told Bubba that he had to at least TRY the pasta salad. lol She completely blew me away.

I clean up the kitchen with Bubba and settle in to relax with the family until it is time for bed. the older two are pretty compliant; Lilypie gave us a little trouble, but in the end after being strong and not caving in, she fell asleep.

I sit here thinking that yep, today is no different than any other day. Mommy duty doesn't stop because there is a special day on the calendar. But, I am glad my day was normal. I couldn't and wouldn't have it any other way. I am truly blessed, and every tear and every laugh brings us one step closer together and to God. I am seeing the fruits of our labor and  so proud of our kids. They are amazing little people and try so hard!

Being a Mom is tough, no matter what kind of Mom you are or what you do. You have a 24x7 job and its got highs and lows; lots of emotion and commotion. See how my day went? It was like a rollercoaster ride full of happiness, amazement, awe, wonder and fear. And, somedays, I do feel like throwing my hands up in the air and screaming.

Its the best job I have ever had and I love my family to pieces.

Happy Mothers Day to all you Moms out there! May you find joy in your ride.

A mom....simplicity.....a lesson relearned

Today a blog post hit me hard! It hit me like a ton of bricks. You can find it here
http://powerofmoms.com/2012/04/your-children-want-you/
and I have to laugh because this isn't new news to me! I absolutely know that all my children want from me is ME...I say it to me all the time! In fact, I don't know how many times I have told my husband that same thing! He has said to me countless times that he feels he isn't providing us enough, we don't own our house, we drive a 2002 van with 200,000 + miles on it, he wishes he could give us the world, and every time I say "All we want is all of you." And, it's true. I don't know how many times I have said "what do you think the kids will remember more? Our car, what you didn't provide or the memories made and time spent??"

Oh, yes, there are a few that have it all figured out. They were few and far between, and I applaud them. A serious question I ask myself is though, who are they doing it for? Is it more self gratification or for the kids/family? This is a question I may start asking. And that's not to say you can't pursue things to better yourself. But, I think checks and balances should be used.

I don't know why this blog entry hit me so hard. I have been saying this for years, yearning for simplicity and it took until today to realize I need to heed my own advice. To remember what I am after and hope to achieve - simplicity.
I don't keep a spotless house, I am NOT Martha Stewart, I do love my family to pieces, I do have a kid friendly home and I try to cook from scratch as much as I can, like my mom.

When I look at Pinterest or read other well seasoned blogs, I try not to let it make me feel inadequate, and it's hard. I need to remember that my kids are not the author of each blog entry I read, they are not the creators of Pinterest and certainly they do not make up all those pins. They, quite honestly, do not even know they exist; they have no standard by which to measure me by. We as individuals do that enough on our own! Of course it is so fun to look at Pinterest and it can be clearly beneficial to read blogs to inform yourself or make you think. :) I think for me, however, it is easy to fall into the trap even when I am actively seeking out simplicity. One thing leads to another and suddenly there I am with my measuring stick. ;)

It had taken as few "hits to the head." Why, just last week I read this: "motherhood is not a race. The only ones who lose are those who race to the finish." I don't think I necessarily compete; at least not outwardly. It's the internal competition and for why?

I am glad that I read that blog today. I think it's the final piece of the puzzle that I needed to fully see what I need to do and who I need to be, in order to achieve what I desire so much.

To go even further down this rabbit trail (LOL), I also think that it's a true testament of how things and ideas can become obsessions and turn into idols.

     Ex 20:3-4 reads (NIV)
You shall have no other gods before me. You shall not make yourself an idol in the form of anything in heaven above or on the earth beneath or the waters below.

This even holds true for anything that I have discussed above to finances to anything. Example. I constantly pour over our finances; look for new ways. In some ways, it had turned to an obsession, crossing the line into something I spent more time focusing on instead of the Lord. This means I am trying to control things and I don't trust God.  Doesn't God say to not worry about tomorrow? Does he not have control? God is intentional - there is my word of the year, folks. He weaves every command and every bible passage into one word. FAITH. :)

So lesson learned, once again?
1) My children want ME (and daddy). Not items and ideas on Pinterest or some self help blog writer.
2) Don't obsess.
3) Don't worry.
4) Faith like a child

Who knows if any of this made sense....it's 12:30 am.

Simplifying your home tip #1

Got a small bathroom? I do and I also have five people to share it.....I hung an over the door shoe organizer up and put all our daily toiletries in it, and then giving each kid a row for their stuff (brushes, bath toys that would fit, ponies/clips, etc.....then I also rolled up washcloths, since I have limited linen closet space. :)